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Dealing with Unmet Needs and Feelings
FINDING FULFILLMENT, Part 5 of 5
Feelings are real.
Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
What we do with our feelings is the important decision. Seeking relational fulfillment is a natural desire, however, going about it in the right way is the only way we’ll find long-term satisfaction.
So, what are we supposed to do with all of those feelings and desires that stem from our unfulfilled needs?
Here are three godly and practical suggestions.
1. Expose Your Feelings to the Light
- Pour out your heart to God. Tell Him about everything you’re thinking and feeling.
- Talk to someone you can trust. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
- Be willing to be accountable—to God and to that safe someone else.
2. Let God Take Control
- Focus on Him, not on the struggle. Remember Peter stepping out of the boat? As long as he kept his eyes on Jesus he could walk on water. As soon as he looked at the churning waves, he began to sink!
- Immerse yourself in His Word, His Truth.
- Ask Him to do what you cannot. 2 Corinthians 3:4b-5
- Praise Him for being the One Who lovingly holds your life in His hands and Who can meet your every need.
- Expect great things from a great God! Thank Him for all He is doing and will do in your life. 1 Corinthians 10:13
3. Remember: It’s a Moment by Moment Choice!
- Determine to choose the “high” way! Not “my” way. We need to determine to make wise choices and to value our relationship with God more than our own desires. Luke 9:23
- Focus on long term joy, contentment, and fellowship with Him! Not short term satisfaction in temporary distractions. Ephesians 3:20
- Choose to “give in” to God—not to temptation!
“The desires still exist, are still strong, natural and human, but they are subjugated to the higher power of the spirit. They are purified and corrected as we live day by day in faith and obedience.” —Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity
As you determine to trust God to meet your unmet desires to feel more cherished, more adored, more accepted, and more valued, you may find something you didn’t expect!
Instead of Him changing your circumstances, He may change the desires of your heart.
Instead of living in a fractured fairy tale, searching for an illusive prince, you just might find a King Who will make you feel loved beyond your wildest dreams!
(You can find more in-depth discussions, answers, and worksheets in Dee’s book, The Divine Romance—Going to God with the Longings Only He Can Fulfill.)
What do you think?
Why is dealing with unmet needs so difficult?
How do you manage your feelings in godly ways?
The Big Lie, the Great Truth
FINDING FULFILLMENT,
Part 4
We’ve been talking about our longings and our realities. The world offers us myriad ways to “find satisfaction.” But are we being fed a bill of goods? And are we buying into it? Believing the Big Lie?
THE BIG LIE
Our culture tells us that we can, and should, feel completely loved and have all of our emotional needs met—and that the right man is the solution. Maybe that’s why we see so many high-profile women jumping from marriage to marriage, or relationship to relationship: they’re simply searching for that “perfect man”—one who will make them feel the way they want to feel.
But that’s the Big Lie—the lie of the world, the lie of our old fallen nature, and the lie of the enemy.
The world tells us to act on our feelings, regardless of morality or consequences. Our old nature wants us to live to please ourselves, to do whatever it takes to “feel good.” When we’re tempted to indulge in thoughts or actions which make us feel better or mask our discomfort, the enemy whispers, “Go ahead! It’s no big deal!” Of course, once we confront our sin with remorse, he then tells us our decision is unforgivable.
THE INCREDIBLE TRUTH
The only way we can escape The Big Lie is to focus on God’s Incredible Truth!
No mere man—regardless of how wonderful he may be—can meet all of our needs, yours and mine. Only God can fill our empty, yearning places inside. Only He can make us feel whole. Only His love can make us feel adored and cherished the way we really, really want to be adored and cherished.
Chasing fantasies and fairy tale endings will provide, at best, temporary relief from our dissatisfaction and malaise. Too often we resort to what the world has to offer—tantalizing movies, books, internet relationships, flirtation, fantasy, and playing “what-if” scenarios in our heads. It’s easy to rationalize feel-good pastimes as harmless and to minimize their consequences.
The outcome is feeling even needier and more dissatisfied than before.
Bottom line, if we’re looking to anything or anyone but God to feel good about ourselves, we’re not going to experience God’s best for our lives.
That, of course, leads to the big question: So, what am I supposed to do when I’m feeling hurt, unloved, alone, needy, undervalued, or tempted?
(You can find more in-depth discussions, answers, and worksheets in Dee’s book, The Divine Romance—Going to God with the Longings Only He Can Fulfill.)
Next Time: Three Godly and Practical Ways to Deal with Our Unmet Needs
What do you think?
Do you believe a really great guy can meet all your needs?
Why is it tempting to chase what the world offers?
Countdown to Mount Hermon
Like many of you, I’m looking forward to the Mount Hermon Christian Writers Conference this week!
What a beautiful place for writers to learn and grow. Towering Redwoods. Dogwoods in bloom. Trails to meander. It’s inspirational simply being there.
But there’s much more than ambiance. The authors, editors, and agents who attend, teach, and share put years of knowledge and experience at your fingertips. Where else can you chat with a best-selling author or influential literary professional over lunch? There are in-depth morning tracks, plus so many beneficial afternoon workshops that it’s almost impossible to choose. Thankfully, you can order the tapes and enjoy all of them later!
Whether you’re a published professional, a writer wannabe, or somewhere in between, this year’s conference promises to be an excellent one.
Will you be there?
What do you think?
Have you attended the Mount Hermon Writers Conference? If so, what are the benefits of attending?
How would you advise someone who is thinking about it?
What Are Your Realities?
FINDING FULFILLMENT,
Part 3
In Part 2 of Finding Fulfillment we talked about “The Big Reality”—that in our broken world we cannot be relationally perfect.
As long as we strive to do things the world’s way, we will be disappointed. Finding true contentment and fulfillment begins with recognizing and accepting our current realities. As we do that, we can begin to see our need for the One Who created the world. The One Who desires a perfect relationship with us.
Here are three realities that are common to most of us.
1. THE REALITY IS… maybe our lives didn’t turn out the way we planned or wanted.
Some of us are single. We may be survivors of divorce, or we may have never married. Our dreams of white picket fences, marital bliss, and 2.3 children never quite happened.
A few of us may be widowed. My mom lost my dad when she was two months pregnant with me. That’s NOT how she wanted or expected her life to turn out.
Many of us are married, but whether it’s a great marriage or a struggling marriage, it may not be all we pictured or dreamed it to be.
The results of these unplanned realities are disappointment, dashed dreams, and feelings of not being loved the way we want to be loved.
2. THE REALITY IS… we may have had a tough beginning.
None of us have come through our lives unscathed. We all have old baggage of some kind. As kids we each employed some way of avoiding hurt from others. Those strategies worked for us at the time and helped us to survive. Unfortunately, when we employ these strategies as adults, they hinder rather than help us.
3. THE REALITY IS… we all struggle, but are afraid to admit it!
It seems that within our very nice, very polite female Christian society we are almost always willing to talk about men, joke about men, joke about the lack of men in our lives, discuss how exciting men are, discuss how frustrating men are.
But we don’t talk about our passions and feelings—
the feelings that stem from our unmet needs and expectations of men. As a result, we tend to believe we are alone in our struggle to live joyful, godly lives. Believing that, we are tempted to hide our real, “unacceptable” selves all the more.
Every time I have presented an “Ahh… Men!!” seminar women express their relief in knowing they are not alone. Scripture confirms it. “But remember this—the wrong desires that come into your life aren’t anything new and different. Many others have faced exactly the same problems before you (1 Cor. 10:13a, Living Bible).” Exposing these struggles to the light is the first big step in overcoming The Big Lie.
(You can find more in-depth discussions, answers, and worksheets in Dee’s book, The Divine Romance—Going to God with the Longings Only He Can Fulfill.)
Next Time: The Big Lie and the Incredible Truth
What do you think?
Can you relate to any of these hard realities?
Do you ever feel alone in your struggles?
Accepting Our BIG Reality
FINDING FULFILLMENT, Part 2 of 5
We live in a broken world.
Every woman wants to experience feeling loved, valued, and cherished.
Special.
For many, that means feeling like a princess.
God designed us to feel that way. To have those needs met. Fulfilled. Running over.
But is a man really the answer? Are we expecting too much from another human being, no matter how wonderful he may be?
If you’re married, you may sometimes feel like you’re living with Al Bundy instead of the guy on the white horse.
If you’re single, Sir Charming just hasn’t shown up yet.
Whether married or single, we all carry around some sort of expectations about what a man can or should do to meet our deepest emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. When those needs aren’t met, it’s easy for us to be influenced by the lies of our world. They tell us the right man will make us feel the way we desire to feel.
Believing those lies only intensifies the discomfort and pain of our unmet needs.
Sometimes that discomfort leads us into temptations and resulting decisions that aren’t the best choices for our lives—choices that are less than God’s best for us.
THE BIG REALITY: The world is not perfect—it’s “broken”— therefore we are not relationally perfect.
There are numerous realities that mar God’s plan for satisfying relationships.
First and foremost, we are fallen people in a fallen world.
We are prone to selfishness. We are inclined toward figuring out things for ourselves rather than trusting in the Creator Who knows us better than we know ourselves. And that’s only the beginning.
There are other realities that impact our lives—disappointments, old baggage, and struggles we’re afraid to talk about.
And facing our realities is the first step in finding genuine fulfillment.
(You can find more in-depth discussions, answers, and worksheets in Dee’s book, The Divine Romance—Going to God with the Longings Only He Can Fulfill.)
Next Time: Facing Our Realities
What do you think?
Single or married, what expectations for romance and relational satisfaction did you have/do you have for marriage?
How have those expectations been challenged within a real relationship?
Love, Longings, and Fairy Tales
FINDING FULFILLMENT,
Part 1 of 5
From the time we are little girls, we hear “happily ever after” stories. We read about them in romance novels. We watch them in romantic comedies. We see them in Walt Disney movies. And of course, we’re all familiar with the classic fairy tales.
But there are some little known facts about fairy tale relationships.
Let’s start with the story of Sleeping Beauty. Once she “woke up,” she discovered that her prince wasn’t royalty after all. He merely stumbled upon her on his way to a costume party at the castle.
And poor Snow White. Once she really got to know him, she realized that her “Happy” prince was actually a composite of all seven dwarves—along with Happy, she got Sleepy, Dopey, and Grumpy.
After the royal wedding, Cinderella discovered that her husband, Charming, wasn’t so perfect after all. He constantly left the lid up on the royal chamber pot, he frequently threw his dirty leggings all over the bedroom floor—and he had a foot fetish.
Funny how we never heard about those realities.
Everything in our culture reinforces the fairy tale myth that the right man will make any woman’s life complete, perfect, and blissful. As a result, we tend to buy into that belief. Then, we’re disappointed.
Ah… but there’s more than one way to be a princess and to feel like a princess. You can marry a fantasy fairy tale prince, or you can be the daughter of the glorious King!
(You can find more in-depth discussions, answers, and worksheets in Dee’s book, The Divine Romance—Going to God with the Longings Only He Can Fulfill.)
Next Time: The Big Reality
What do you think?
How does our culture today reinforce the fairy tail myth?
Why is feeling truly loved so important to us?